8. I'm a Hippo

After I graduated and before I moved to Boston I moved in with my dad. I know that must be confusing for anyone reading this. My relationship with my mom was so fraught I didn’t want to ask her for any more favors, or deal with her shit. My dad helped me move out of my apartment, and into my new one in Boston. Him and my brother were talking again at this point, they mostly texted about sports. Living with him was okay. Some time had passed since my parents divorce so my dad was less angry in general. For the most part we smoked cigarettes together, talked about work, and got along fine. 

I do find it interesting that I spent so much time hating my dad, but when it came to a time I needed him, I was able to pack away all those feelings and go back to him when he let me live with him. I felt and still feel a smidgen of guilt, like I’m a hypocrite.

While living there I remembered a time in high school in the bedroom folding laundry. He quietly approached, like he was afraid to scare me away. He told me he had something important to say. Oh god, I thought, bracing myself for something misogynistic about my mother. “I want to apologize”, he said. I stared at him, wanting him to continue, making the list of things in my head that he could apologize for. “I’m sorry we stopped bringing you to church. Everyone needs to pray!” He said. His voice went up a note on “pray” like someone says when they’re excited about something. I felt so angry, of all the things to apologize for, this was what he chose. This made me learn that I can never expect him to be self aware, and that he is going to hold his values over my feelings and experiences.

In the moment during his "apology" I found myself saying I went to a unitarian church with Jenn. I think I was trying to make him happy, trying to get him to like me. I didn’t give a shit about church or praying. In fact, I believed the institution to be counter to my own values. He said “good!” and left the room. His absence from the room left a load of emptiness in the pit of my stomach. This is a good example of how most interactions with my dad went. I just had to not give him enough information to make him upset, and listen to what his needs were. This made me angry and I felt wronged, but so many people reminded me I was lucky to have a dad who cared. I felt that to be the truth when I needed a place to live and he was there. A lot of people didn't have that.

I went to Boston to look at apartments with my Aunt and cousin when my cousin had a swim tournament there and they had a hotel for the night. My Aunt is so fun to be around. She’s the one everyone wants to sit next to at family parties. She has a way of making people feel heard, good about themselves, and has a great sense of humor. It’s been that way for as long as I can remember.

We looked at a one apartment that was only $550 a month in Somerville. Granted the room was the size of a closet, but I honestly didn’t care and couldn’t beat that price. The guy I was talking to, named Eddie, who showed us the place, gave my legs a quick glance up and down and showed us around. He seemed nice enough, and lived with girls currently, so the likelihood of him being a harmful creep was lower. He asked us where we were from and when we said South Burlington, Vermont, he said a girl from South Burlington is going to live there too. I immediately asked him who he was, and he told me Amber”. I knew this girl, we were in the same high school class. I couldn’t believe it. He acted nonchalant, like he didn’t think this was a huge coincidence or a big deal.

I knew that “Amber” was someone I did not want to live with. Amber was the popular girl in high school who was beautiful, and mean. She was best friends with one of my close friends from elementary school, and I never felt comfortable around her. She was someone who could hold the attention in a room, laugh at everything, and make fun of you in front of loads of people. She could straight up be a character from Mean Girls. She had huge tits, was skinny, beautiful, and had everyone wrapped around her finger. People both idolized and feared her.  It’s not that she ever did anything specific to hurt me, I just knew she wouldn’t be good for my nervous system. I was not okay with living with this girl.

“You never know people change”. My aunt told me once we got in the car and I told her my hesitation about living with her. Oh no, I thought, I don’t want to be judgmental. Play it cool, Katherine, take advice from your aunt, the cool person. My Aunt never had the roommate issues I had, so she must know better than me in these situations.  Eddie texted me a couple hours later and told me the apartment was mine if I wanted it.