14. Sofie and Agatha

Sofie was a friend I made from work while living with Elise. We started hanging out after her, her roommate, Elise, and I got pizza after work. After talking more we realized we had quite a lot in common. For one, she loved quirky and morbid things, and was genuinely interested in human behavior; not in a judgmental way, but from a place of sincere curiosity. I felt connected to her when she showed interest in my social anxiety by showing genuine interest, she didn’t shy away or change the subject. She also became someone I could talk to about Elise, and I felt like she not just listened but understood and agreed with me. 

Sofie had a much more difficult upbringing than I had emotionally and economically. From a young age she had a parent addicted to substances and became a parent herself by doing things such as paying utility bills and raising her younger brother. I told a story about having a beat up car in high school, and she stopped me to say I was so lucky I had a car. I always felt a little like she resented the privilege I came from, and I tried my hardest to be aware and sensitive to that. I loved the perspective Sofie brought; it was refreshing to be around someone who understood that I had to work, and respected the unwritten rules of being a polite customer at a restaurant. Sofie had a dog named Zozo. Zozo was so well behaved it was almost unbelievable. Sofie knew I wanted a dog and supported the idea for me, and agreed to find a place to live that would allow two dogs.

Sofie had an ability to meet somebody and get them to tell her their deepest secrets. She had this non-judgmental aura about her that made you feel like you could say "I really want to murder someone someday", and she would be like "wow, that's interesting" and not be freaked out by it (she told me about a time this actually happened). She listened to me and validated my feelings about Elise, and actually had compassion for my social anxiety.

Sofie had so many amazing qualities, however our relationship was fraught from the start. For whatever reason, she zeroed in on having sex with me when we first met. From what I could tell, she was insecure about her larger body, and having sex with someone who was thinner was validating to her. She told me all the time she wished she looked like me, followed up by complimenting me and thinking I was attractive, and she was attracted to me. I told her all the time she was beautiful too, but she wouldn't hear any of it.

Her crush on me didn’t excite me. I felt sad that I thought I made a friend, and this person wanted something other than that. I was in such a short supply of friends I could lean on emotionally. We had sex once when I was drunk, and it didn’t feel like an intimate experience, it felt like I was being watched in a weird way. I don’t remember how I broached the subject, but after that we never had sex again and we remained good friends.

We signed a lease in January to live together with a third roommate who we would have to find on the internet.  Sofie didn’t have enough money to cover the security deposit, so I paid for the deposit in full. I look back now and can’t comprehend the way I used to live. I was so focused on saving every dime, I hardly ate or bought anything for myself. I knew I would have to pay two rents for the next six months, and I still paid $1800 on the spot for the security deposit. If I hadn’t had the money, we wouldn’t have secured the place to live. I am not nearly as frugal with my money now, which is a bit of a blessing and a curse.

My friend from college, Marissa, as mentioned above, was moving back to Burlington from LA and needed a place to live. She told us she wanted to live with us and planned to do so. We told our landlord we found someone, and she told us repeatedly she wanted to live there. We sent her the lease to sign and we never heard back. I asked her if she got it and she said no. I sent it to her again. She said she didn’t have access to a printer. I started smelling bullshit. My landlord was waiting for a third signature on the lease. Sofie was livid. Sofie went off in our group text and stated how shitty of a thing she was doing was, and how can Marissa expect to be friends long term if she backs out of the lease. It wasn’t threatening behavior, but it was a lot of tense feelings.

It wasn’t until I told Marissa she and I could still be friends if she doesn’t want to live with us that she said she wasn’t going to when I spoke with her on the phone privately. I set my annoyed feelings aside and asked her why, and she said in a roundabout way she was nervous about living with Sofie. Marissa said that she didn’t trust Sofie and hasn’t felt comfortable with her interactions with her so far leading up to signing the lease. I thought that was fair enough, and asked Marissa what her plans were for where she was going to live. She said she didn’t know, and didn’t seem phased by it. 

The search for a roommate showed Sofie and I’s differing philosophies of who we thought would make a good roommate. Our craigslist ads were starkly different. Mine included our ages and the number of pets we had, how clean we like to keep the place, and our normal “quiet hours” and typical schedule. It was pretty short. Sofie’s included our love for gardening and the kinds of music we listened to, and our love of veganism. Neither of us have ever gardened before, she just wanted to and thought it was cool. I was a vegetarian for a long time but at that moment was not, and she wasn’t even vegan either. It was never the “right time”, and it was always “once I move here”, or “once I change jobs”, or “try this other diet out”. I told her I didn't care about our new roommate's music taste or diet, and didn’t care if we were all best friends. She took that to mean I didn’t care if we found a good fit, went on about not wanting to share a cutting board with someone cutting meat, and got really upset with me. I stepped back and let her do her own thing with her ad.

We met with multiple people over beers to find “the right person”. We went with Sofie’s choice, a woman named Agatha who I thought was so annoying the second she sat down. She went on and on about her passion for sustainability and veganism, even though she was not a vegan. It seemed like a great choice for Sofie. They became quick friends, until they didn’t.

We went in on splitting a Community Shared Agriculture (fresh veggies from a farm) share. Apparently Agatha called them and asked for a larger share without telling Sofie. The account was under Sofie’s name, so Sofie was livid. I didn’t think it was that big of a deal, we talked about making the share larger so she could join in, but Sofie thought a line had been crossed. Since then anything Agatha did was terrible, and before long I was in that boat too. We moved her blender to a different spot so there would be more counter space. “I guess I just wont eat,” Sofie said and slammed her door.

One thing I didn’t expect was my dad lingering around. He would randomly walk past my apartment without giving me a heads up he was coming. I would see him walking by from my window. Some people said that is sweet, that he loves me and wants to be close. Instead I just felt suffocated. What if he saw I had a boy over? What would he think of me? There was also my anger that surfaced whenever I saw him. I felt guilty because I was upset that my dad loved me too much. Sofie grew up without her biological dad and her stepdad died of a drug overdose. She was empathic of my situation, but other friends of mine were saying I should grow up and be grateful I have a dad who loves me. 

Sofie was in a bit of a crisis of her own from what I could tell. As I mentioned before, she had extremely low self esteem and body image issues. I could tell almost every time I talked to her that it was on her mind. It felt like living with my mom back when I was 21. I heard tons of comments during meals about the foods we were eating. She was constantly picking apart what I was eating and how it was “better” or “worse” than what she was eating. The worst part for me was it felt like she was holding a grudge against me. Like it was unfair and my fault that I was able to be in an average sized body while she was unable to do so unless she severely restricted foods. Sofie definitely met criterion for some time of body dysmorphia or some eating disorder. I felt for her, and also was sick of constantly being scrutinized.

One thing that drove me crazy, was that as far as I could tell she talked a lot about eating more vegetables and being healthy, but never actually did it. There was always an excuse. I didn’t pick up the things she wanted that week for the CSA, or Agatha ate the big zucchini she wanted, she couldn’t do anything with or eat the other vegetables that were in her share. She even got mad when I ate food that was about to go bad, that was sitting in our fridge for over a week. She made it clear that that’s why she didn’t eat the CSA, because of the way I unfairly split it, not because of her own poor planning. Once we got it I put the vegetables in our own section of the fridge. It seemed like it should be simple to me, but it wasn't. I tried my best to accommodate her needs. I don’t want to imply I didn't care about what she was going through; I had empathy for her and made space for her feelings, but it was hard to be the target of her frustrations and not snap back at her with everything I noticed she did wrong. 

She eventually opted out of the CSA because she wasn’t eating the vegetables because of Agatha and I, and asked us to buy her out of the share. Part of her paying me back for the security deposit was her paying for the CSA, so if I paid her back she would still owe me money for the deposit. I didn’t say anything and paid her what she was asking anyways, because I didn’t want her to be mad at me.

I finally got my dog (yay!). I named her Cleo. When I first go Cleo it took a long time for her to build up attachment to me. She had the same reaction to me coming in the door to one of my friends for the first few weeks of having her. She was calm, goofy, and scared of everything. She also LOVED other dogs. Cleo was obsessed with Sofie’s dog. She was constantly licking Sofie’s dogs lips. I felt so bad and tried to stop the behavior but it was challenging. I gave her a lot of treats when I was trying to train her, and Sofie got upset when I didn’t give her dog treats, understandably. So I made adjustments. Sofie did have a lot of good tips for dog training, especially when it came to socializing her around the cat. But soon she started calling my dog stupid and saying passive jabs at me about how terrible I was at being a dog owner. It was almost constant and daily. 

Cleo had some peculiarities, like never pooping in the yard. She only pooped when she was on the leash, or many times pooped on Sofie’s plush white carpet in her bedroom. I would stand in the yard with her for a while and she would never poop, then the second her leash went on when we went for a walk she would poop. It was strange, but I didn’t mind because I liked going for walks with her.  

Our landlords asked us to pick up the dog poop in the yard so they could mow. They told me there was a “ton” of dog poop one day when they came by. I cringed, I wanted to be a good tenant. I spoke with Sofie about picking it up more and she told me “I went the other day and they were little puppy poops from Cleo”. I didn’t argue with her because I knew she wouldn’t take responsibility and she would just bring up other things I was doing wrong. From then on I knew that either I would have to pick up her dog's poop or it wouldn’t get picked up. So I picked up her dogs poop from the yard so our landlord's could mow.

Cleo even got on with Agatha’s cat. At first she barked at her, but Sofie showed me how to introduce them. After I held the cat and pet them both at the same time Cleo was fine with her; they mostly ignored each other. I scored the jackpot when it came to dogs.

Cleo was the best thing for me. She got me outside and talking to other people more. Also, she needed a lot of exercise so I would run with her for two miles almost every day. She is a very expressive dog. Her ears are floppy and she tilts her head when she wants to communicate with you. I was in love.

Sofie told me she wanted to start exercising and running more. I was excited about this and offered to go for runs with her to get her started. I mapped out a 2 mile run, a short run at the time for me. I deeply regret the way I handled this. I wish I set up something much smaller and set the standard with very limited expectations. Thinking back at this now, I remember walking with her and reassuring that the amount she was able to do was okay, and she was the one upset. But if I’m being realistic, I’m sure I tried pushing her because I thought that was how you get someone to accomplish something and get them out of their comfort zone. I thought of stories my dad told me about being in the army. If you messed up on a drill or fell behind you had to run circles around the group until your instructor told you to stop. I am happy to say I have grown and learned so much in graduate school and at work about how this mentality doesn’t work for most people, and is definitely not a place to start with starting to run and feel good about yourself.  Sofie ended the run looking defeated and upset with herself, and told me to run ahead of her. I feel terrible about this looking back.

There was another rift in our friendship caused by me; Marissa asked if I could drive back with her from LA to Vermont. Marissa had health issues and didn't feel comfortable driving alone, and she needed me. I did it. I took a week off of work and flew into Denver to meet her to drive back. In my mind there was no question I was going to do it. One of my friends was in desperate need for help, of course I was going to drop everything and help her. Marissa even asked to stay on our couch until she found a place to live. Of course! I thought. We have the space, take it.

Sofie was pissed. She was not having any of this. She couldn't believe that I was open to having Marissa on our couch after she said she would live with us for a month, and opted out when she was supposed to sign the lease. She sent us through so much panic and embarrassment in front of our landlords. She told me she it was scary how little I expected from my friends. At the time I understood where she was coming from, but didn't share any of her feelings. Now as I'm older and have learned to walk away from people who have hurt me, I feel more congruence with her decision not to let Marissa stay with us.

I eventually started seeing the guy I dated briefly when I was moving out of my place with Elise. His name was Alex. Alex always welcomed me to his apartment, and I needed a place to go. Sofie was constantly angry with me. I didn’t want to be around her. Alex had a two bedroom apartment in the old north end in Burlington. I couldn’t wrap my mind around the amount of rent he was paying. But he had a tech job that paid well I guess, so I took advantage of dating someone who had the space to let me over whenever I needed. Whenever he was over at our place, I got a ton of flack from Sofie and Agatha, because they wanted to not wear a bra around the apartment, or his male presence was too strong. I started to realize I wasn’t allowed to have a boy over. I wasn’t sure if it was actually about him or if it was more about triangulating me. So I ended up spending more time at his place, even though we weren't seriously dating.

I say “dating” as a generous term. What Alex wanted was a manic pixie dream girl who could keep him entertained and interested. I was the opposite of that. I was a homebody who thrived on predictability and routine. Instead of breaking up with me, Alex constantly made me feel like I was boring and slept with other women, and wasn’t honest about sleeping with those women. He told me I was crazy and made me feel like I was a bad person when I tried to talk to him about it. But he was very non-committal at the time, so I’m not sure I can say I had no part in the way he made me feel.

So anyway, I was inhabiting two places that brought me unease when I was in them. Mine and Sofie’s friendship turned into something very small and filled with conflict. We weren’t able to honestly talk to each other about how we feel anymore, either because she was feeling insecure about herself or I was feeling defensive about my dog. That, mixed with my dad frequently walking past my house unannounced, I decided it was time for me to move out of town and to live alone for the first time.

I got an apartment in Johnson, a town an hour away from Burlington and the same town I my graduate school was in. I found a subletter both Agatha and Sofie liked; but that wasn’t without drama. Apparently they talked to each other about not wanting a male roommate, but then each of them talked to me individually about preferring a male roommate. I was at my wit’s end. Eventually we met Evan, who was attractive and had good grammar. They both wanted to bone him so bad I felt nervous about signing over the lease. He turned out to be able to hold his own around them, and became best friends with Sofie. I had told Sofie I was moving because of my dad. Maybe we could have worked through our issues, but I didn't want to risk trying and having it not work. I left before it blew up in my face.