7. The Lab Rats

I moved into an apartment for the last semester of my senior year. My friend from high school needed to fill a room as her friend was studying abroad. Molly was a year younger than me, and struggled with her self esteem and anxiety almost as much as I did. In truth, I think she was only friends with me because she wanted to feel “in” with me and Jen- upperclassmen she deemed “cool”. Molly lived with one other girl from our high school named Brittany, and two others in their class at UVM. One was from Long Island, New York, named Annie. The other was from Massachusetts, also named Katherine.

I liked these girls but also wasn’t sure I saw them as “my people”. Annie listened to Justin Bieber and loved dance parties put on by the university. I know I am not one to judge someone based on their music preferences, but Justin Bieber was just a little too low for me I felt. The shows she watched also felt a little too much like the ones Courtney and I watched in middle school. Annie was the one who held the most social clout in the group. Nobody ever questioned her, and for the most part the group did what she wanted to do socially and otherwise. The other Katherine revolved her world around Annie, and Molly desperately wanted them to like her.

There was another roommate who lived there who also went to high school with Molly and I, Brittany. Our moms have been best friends since they were in high school. I have memories of renting a house in Maine and having a slumber party with her sister.  My dad HATED her mother because she got remarried in a catholic church. She was one of the people my dad told me not to be friends with back in high school.

One time only Annie and I were home, and I overheard her on the phone with her mother in the living room “I NEED MORE MONEY!” She was screaming and crying. This is someone who didn’t work, and smoked pot around the clock. This was such a stark difference to the way I was raised. Thinking of my dad and his intentional modest upbringing of me, I couldn’t imagine talking to my parents this way. She was pretty worked up. When the conversation ended I walked out to ask if she was okay. She looked at me like the conversation never happened. I was perplexed, and went back to my day.

My birthday falls on January 20, so just after I moved in I turned 22. They made me a birthday cake! It was chocolate, and included candles. I felt so overwhelmed with love and kindness. I tried to express this to them, making awkward remarks and "thank you"s. One of them said she didn’t want to add Reece's because she was afraid I might have a peanut allergy. So incredibly thoughtful. What I said was “oh I love peanut butter in cakes”. Why? Why do I do this? It made me sound ungrateful. That was the start of the downward spiral I made for myself to create emotional distance between myself and these people. Katherine's birthday was soon after mine, and they didn’t invite me out to dinner with them.

Jen came up to my new apartment to celebrate my birthday. This was one of the most fun weekends and fondest memories I have. Taylor Swift’s RED album just dropped. We played “Trouble” and “22” on repeat and drank and danced with everyone else in the apartment. I felt a huge sense of gratefulness to have my own space. I wouldn’t let my mother help me move in, because she would picture living there herself, and I didn’t want to deal with more feelings of guilt that I got to live this life and she didn’t. I wanted this space to be mine. Also, I wanted to keep her away from the boys.

There were boys who lived downstairs, with whom there was obvious tension with the other roommates. Me being shy I didn’t invite them up during my birthday party. But the next day they started playing “Trouble” by Taylor Swift on their speaker system. My roommates LOVED this. They immediately started texting them, discussed the texts they got back and giggled amongst themselves. 

My roommates referred to them as “the guys”, or “the boys”. They constantly talked about how lately they haven’t been wanting to hang out with them as much. One of “the guys” was studying abroad, and apparently he was the glue that held the group together and got everyone to hang out. It seemed to me that these boys spent their time smoking weed and playing video games, and didn’t have any interest in us. 

It’s also important to note that there was a difference in attractiveness levels and overall maturity between these two groups. I felt like these guys seemed like the jocks in high school who never had to try very hard to get girls, girls just came to them. My roommates enforced this by making themselves overly available, baking cookies and brownies and offering it to them. “Are you drinking tonight?” was their way of asking if they were partying, and if there was a chance of them joining. It’s not that my roommates were not attractive, I just felt like the scales tipped a bit more in the boys direction when it came to overall coolness and social capital.

I was not okay with how these boys were making me feel. I was already used to feeling taken advantage of, and I could see it very clearly happening in front of my eyes between them and my roommates. Despite this I felt a connection with one of them, Jordan. Jordan was quiet and had just started dating a new girl. This created so much tension and jealousy among my roommates. I liked Jordan because he was awkward. I could tell he struggled with what to say around girls, even us. I thought it was cute. Once in a while he would make an off hand comment and the joke would land just right. I felt something stir in me, like I wanted to be around him more. This didn’t sit well with me. 

When I was 14 I went to the gynecologist because I couldn’t use tampons. For the life of me I would try and try and I couldn’t get them in, it was an overall painful and uncomfortable experience. I eventually forced one in and the pain was unbearable. This became a nuisance with all the sports I played. Changing in the locker room during hockey became an art to not let everyone see the wings of my pad. I was looked at by a gynecologist and she asked me if anyone had ever put a finger up there before. When I said no, she told me “I don’t think a finger could fit in there”. She told me this as she was examining me, legs spread in stirrups staring into my vagina, at 14 years old. Then another doctor, her advisor/supervisor looked at me. It was determined that I had a “genetically deformed vagina”. Also, I created a “false hole” when I shoved the tampon in. They offered surgery to remove my hyman and fix the false hole. I had opted for the surgery when I was 16. After that I still couldn’t use tampons and I still had two holes in my vagina. I felt an impending sense of doom. If a finger couldn’t fit up there, how could a penis? I can’t use tampons, and my vagina is “genetically deformed”. This meant I couldn’t have sex, could never have a family of my own. My life was already hard, but from that moment on it became even harder.

Since receiving this news about myself when I was 14, I imagined telling a boy I was intimate with about my deformed vagina. There was never any version of this where I didn’t see my entire high school finding out about it or the relationship ending then and there. No boy would say or think “I’m okay with that”. Also, I thought about so many times someone had sex for the first time in high school, and it became the topic of conversation for everyone. My memories about the gossip of other people’s sex lives in high school was that it felt like it was everyone else’s business. So, I avoided boys and men all together, and avoided humiliation by keeping my secret. I never even kissed anyone in high school.  I only told Catherine and Jenn. 

I dated Clara and had sex and enjoyed it. I felt I could live my life as a lesbian and be happy. I identified then and now as “queer” or “bisexual”, and I’ve always hated the stigma that was attached to it. Like I’m a sex crazed maniac who couldn’t just pick one. I know that sexuality is more complex than that, but I also understood that society didn’t think so. The result was me feeling incredibly awkward and not confident trusting my feelings.

So that left me being a 22 year old girl who enjoyed having sex with women, and sometimes felt an emotional or sexual connection with men that I didn’t feel comfortable pursuing. This became a problem for me in this roommate dynamic because I ran into Jordan and his friends quite often. On my way to class or work, going to and from the apartment we sometimes crossed paths. I was definitely the more awkward one. It felt like an anxious dance of having a good time, but not too good of a time that Jordan might feel comfortable pursuing me and then finding out my secret. I only spoke a few words to him at one time. I couldn't take the risk, my body would take over and I'd feel frozen. Sometime's I stayed in my room and pretended to be asleep when they came over.

It didn’t take long for me to become the odd one out with the girls I was living with. After my birthday and making an ungrateful comment, and not being as on top of doing my dishes as I should, I was soon made to feel like I was being allowed to live there. One time I left my cereal bowl in the sink because I didn’t have time to wash it before class and Annie left a note “I AM NOT YOUR GODDAMN MAID”. They made brownies for Jordan's birthday, one week after mine, and then thought the dishes from the pan were mine and asked me to do it. When I told them they weren’t my dishes, it was like they had no memory of making brownies for Jordan. I was the scapegoat. I knew this, and tried to tiptoe around everyone the best I could. They all cleaned together on Thursdays, and I was always at work. I tried to pick up the slack by bringing the garbage and recycling out (I really was the only one who did this), and Molly said that was hardly anything and I really needed to clean more. I felt angry, they didn’t have jobs, and they were pissed at me because I wasn’t available to clean at the exact moment they wanted me to. Brittany and I were the only ones who worked while going to school. She didn’t bother me about all this stuff nearly as much and was also the most level headed one when it came to dealing with me and my faults.

Within the first month of living there I lost my keys and was sitting in the stairwell on the 2nd floor waiting for one of my roommates to come home. I heard “the guys” coming into their apartment discussing my roommates wanting them to come up and watch the superbowl in our apartment with them. “Let’s go just for the free food” I heard one of them say. I felt delighted. I was right. My intuition served me well here! I also felt awful that my roommates were taken advantage of, and unaware that their crushes and “friends” didn’t want to be around them. But I was affirmed by my thoughts on their dynamic, which made me feel less crazy and that I could trust myself. Then, I heard Jordan say “Yeah, and Katherine”.

I was on fire. So much joy. It wasn’t just me with the crush, I thought. It was mutual! So much nervousness and excitement I felt like a 12 year old girl. I think it’s important to keep in mind that this was the closest I’ve ever been to any sort of intimacy with a boy, and I was terrified. I felt like I was operating like someone who is dealing with this for the first time, like a teenager would. As much as I was excited, I mostly felt sorry for myself and resentful about my situation.

This roommate dynamic consumed me. I thought so much about it. Navigating the drama became my obsession. Part of this was to survive the social dynamics, but I also found it so interesting. It was like I was an observer studying the behavior of mice. I wanted to tell my roommates about what I heard, but was unsure because “the guys” meant so much to them and I was not feeling treated very well by them already. I asked Jenn what she would do and she told me not to tell them, that they were obviously friends before I moved in and that these things will handle themselves. I saw her point, who was I to move in and change everyone’s opinions of each other and ruin friendships? I did feel guilty holding back the information from Molly, who offered me a place to live and has been my friend for so long. But I decided to stick to the advice from Jen, who was better friends with Molly and had no roommate issues like I have had so far.

One of the guys was up talking to us and discussing superbowl plans. He said something about free food. I chimed in from behind him “Is that why you’re here?”. He whirled around,  I’m not sure if he even knew I was in the room. “Uhh no, no. Well you know me, I love food.” His face got beat red. I gave a little smirk and we shared an agreed upon nod. I loved how the power felt. I knew something he didn’t want my other roommates to know. I knew that he and his roommates were being shitty people, and he understood that the rest of the roommates didn’t know, because he would definitely know if they knew. I felt the levity of feeling like I was a superior person who wasn’t going to take being treated like shit. 

I did know that Jordan would find out I also heard him say “and Katherine” when I challenged the other boy. It was a risk worth taking in my mind. If anything it made me feel like I had more power. 

We all played broomball together, which was fun. Broomball is a sport played on sneakers in the hockey rink with little mallets shaped like a broomstick. It is essentially hockey with a lot more falling. In hindsight this doesn’t sound like much fun, but at the time I was really jazzed and excited to do it. We were all in a facegroup chat together, and I wasn’t a very active participant but this is the most that I really talked to Jordan either directly or not. This is also how we all met the new girl Jordan started dating. She became a topic of conversation in our apartment. The girls all had very big feelings about her existence. We would bring water and whiskey mixed together out of water bottles, and drive together to the game. 

My unawareness of social norms still effected me gravely. I smoked cigarettes in the car on the way up to the rink. I also smoked a cigarette in “the guys'' apartment one night. Looking back I know this was not cool, but at the time the few parties I went to in college people smoked inside, so I thought it was a socially acceptable thing to do. Maybe at 2am when everyone is shit faced it is, but not in the middle of the day or in someone else’s car. These are the things I look back on and cringe about. Because of my lack of experience and feeling like I’m guessing social norms, I took these risks thinking everyone was cool with it and it was normal, but they obviously were just being nice to me and not wanting to make it awkward.

The next couple of months the tension between Jordan and I carried on and somewhat plateaued. We never really spoke directly to each other, as much as navigated inferences through the group. This was a very strange way of being. But I thought it was fun. 

I went to my moms to get something and visit my brother after a month or more. My little brother and his friend told me I smile more. My moms boyfriend gave me a compliment on how I carry myself a lot taller and more confidently since I moved out of the house before offering me a ride back to campus. I felt better. I felt an intense weight lift off my chest. I was able to have fun and not worry about how it would impact the ones I love, and I got a second chance at making friends and feeling like a somewhat normal college student. 

I figured it was time to figure out if I could have heteronormative sex with my deformed vagina once and for all. I couldn’t try and have sex with Jordan, because he seemed to have a new girlfriend, and if I wasn’t able to physically do it I would still have to see him all the time, which would be awkward and humiliating. So I did what any self respecting adult would do and decided to have a one night stand with someone completely random. It was with another college student so it wasn’t completely incomprehensible for me, it wasn’t a “total rando”.

Anyway I went out drinking with a friend I made on the rugby team, and asked one of her friends who asked me to dance if he wanted to go home with me. We didn’t end up going to my place because I forgot my keys and was locked out, so we went to his. Lo and behold I could have sex with men. It was uncomfortable, but it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. This doctor I saw when I was 14 had me bracing for hell.

So, after I found out humiliation wouldn’t happen to me due to things outside of my control did I tell Jordan how I felt and see if it was mutual? No. Instead I kept getting drunk and having sex with a couple different randos. One of them was the nicest person I have ever been with to this day. Instead of being present with the person I was with, I spent my mind in fantasy land fixated on Jordan. This turned into one of my biggest regrets.

Brittany was talking to me about how she felt about the situation with “the guys”. I let it slip that I heard them say something about just wanting to be around us for the food. She had a hard time with it, was pissed and confronted them from what I remember. She also told me that Jordan and the other Katherine used to “hook up”. I felt like a dumbbell hit me in the chest. He was never into me, it was the other Katherine he was talking about. I felt like an idiot.

I gave up on trying to feel normal and a part of the group with my roommates. I began opening my window in my room and smoking cigarettes inside, thinking I was being sneaky. They totally noticed, and were rightfully pissed about it. I also withdrew when they were partying. I tried to open up to Molly about my social anxiety, but she would get frustrated and say “just HANG OUT”, so I would just go to my room more pretend to be asleep more whenever they were being social. 

At this point in my life I felt there was something wrong with me, but also that maybe these weren’t my people, maybe there were people out there I would feel comfortable with. I also made a 180 in terms of my confidence. I finally liked the way I looked, and started making friends. I became excited to think about leaving the state and moving to Boston after I graduated. Maybe after college people weren’t so intense about being in big groups and did a lot more 1:1 things, maybe people weren’t so focused on having a good time and were a bit more serious. I was excited to get older and stop trying to be something I wasn’t.