3. Why Can't I Have Sex Too?

While working at camp I struggled socially with the same things I did my Freshman year at college, and still had crippling social anxiety, only these people were nicer. I never felt like I was a flowing part of the group, but I never felt like these people actively hated me. It did help me grow in a lot of ways, and is where I met my first girlfriend, Clara.

At the start of my Sophomore year, Megan and I lived in the dorm Tupper Hall. We had a view of the sunrise over the green mountains. I felt a wave of relief about living with Megan. She was fun to be around, serious about school, and was okay if we weren’t best friends. I didn’t feel nearly as labeled or judged by her as with Elle. 

Megan also had a girlfriend she started dating over the summer. I offered to go to Clara's house when Lauren came over but Megan was insistent this wasn’t necessary. Clara would spend the night a couple times a week. I asked Megan a few times how she felt about this, asking if she cared and that she could let me know if it started to bother her. She always said she didn’t mind.

Once Lauren came over for an overnight. When Mandy and I walked in the room she said “Why always when I’m here?!” I wasn’t sure if she knew I heard her. I felt confused. Megan said she didn’t mind when I asked, and I even offered to go somewhere else if they wanted alone time. I had a hard time understanding why would someone not be honest about that when I gave them a chance to tell me how they felt.

Megan moved out halfway through the year. She said that a spot with her old roommate opened up and that she always felt a strong connection with her, so she wants to go back. I felt really hurt. I kept thinking what did I do wrong, am I not good enough for Megan either? I asked Jenn what she thought about Clara coming over, and Jenn said that Megan probably didn’t feel comfortable saying she wasn’t comfortable. I felt like I was crazy, and lost on social norms. How did I not know that?

Anyways, my next roommate came and went. She was there for two weeks. She told me she was always at her boyfriends so I could have Clara over whenever. She walked in on Clara and I having sex and moved out the next day. Was it really that traumatizing? I understand why this would be uncomfortable for people, but it’s not like there were sex toys all over or she walked into a sex dungeon. At this point I believed I was cursed and unable to be someone's roommate.

After my third roommate moved out, Clara decided she was going to live in my dorm. Clara was not a student at UVM. She took a year off of her college down south and moved to Burlington to spend the year there, or to date me. I never asked her to do this, but she hung it over my head like I owed her for it. Mandy had signed a six month lease from September to February, and when it ended she had no where else to go. She didn’t look anywhere. She reminded me that I had an open room, it would be awful of me to not let her live there. Jenn reminded me she is not my responsibility, she is an adult who didn’t look for a place to live and she doesn’t need to mooch off her college girlfriend and live for free. In my eyes I was being selfish making this person pay rent when she could live with me for free. I felt trapped and like I couldn’t say no. 

I became known in the hall as the girl who has someone living in the dorm who doesn’t go to UVM. I felt nervous every time we walked down the hall. I didn’t get to know anyone in the hall socially, I spent all of my time with Clara. I felt like my world was very small. I escaped through smoking weed planning my semester abroad.

This is one time when my substance use started to pick up. Clara and I never did anything, all we did was smoke weed and watch South Park. Eventually we started to get drunk by ourselves. I started to experiment with cranberry juice and vodka. I hated beer, and vodka got you drunk super fast. I started to have a lot of angst and resentment towards my good girl persona, but I didn’t know how to be anything else.