2. The Demise of Naivety

I decided to go to the University of Vermont, located 10 minutes away from the house I grew up in for cost reasons and to be close to my brother. I felt a little silly living in the dorms even though I was so close to the house I grew up in. Jenn said to me “you need to live off campus, Cindy Lou's sister lived at home when she went to UVM and it was a joke.” I was afraid of being left behind, not having the same experiences as peers and I wanted to get away from my parents. So I decided to live on campus in the dorms.

I was so nervous/excited to find out who my roommate was. When I got the email that had her name I did what any 18 year old in 2009 did and “creeped” her facebook. I looked at the “wall-to-wall” she had with someone with the same last name as me, thinking she would say something like “OMG! My roomie has the same last name as you, are you related?!?!” What I read was “ugh I have the most boring roommate ever”. I felt hurt, my “good girl” persona that got me through high school and living with my parents was not exciting enough for her.  I was not expecting this. People always said college was so much better than high school, that everyone was so much more mature and nice. So, I did what any self respecting person would do and I called her on the phone and told her I knew what she said.

Looking back I think why Kaitlyn, why? Just leave it be, you don’t have to be friends with this person.  Now I know that doing this made me feel as if I had power. I was keeping her on edge; I wasn’t afraid of her and I was morally superior. Anyways, I think I told her I was in fact boring but hopefully that won't bother her too much and we can live peacefully. She made up some lie about how what she said was an inside joke and wasn’t true. I said “sure”. Yeah, I had the power here all right. We were going to live in a suite-type dorm that was themed “for the love of fiber arts” or something like that. She was also clearly more gifted in knitting than me, I learned a lot of knitting skills from her that I am thankful for to this day. 

I immediately felt the socio-economic difference between my roommate and I. She had an iPhone! She went to boarding school and lived there when school was not in session as well. Her parents paid for an entire apartment for her to live in there…alone? Unsupervised? We came from two completely different worlds. Her dad was a CEO of some company in Chicago and her mother was a stay at home mom. She had beautiful clothes and listened to all the bands I didn’t know, and made it clear my taste in music was below her. I started to say to her and her friends when asked what music I listened to that I listen“music not on the radio”, which gave her more material to make fun of me with, which I did not realize at the time. That question gave me an instant panic. What if they think it’s poor taste? Do I actually know any cool bands? Can I trust that music I enjoy is cool enough? This seems to be something people care about.

During one of the first nights we stayed up late talking in our beds. This gave me a warm feeling, reminiscent of the sleepovers I held so dear. We were talking about our college choices and how we landed on UVM. She mentioned that her parents told her not to worry about finances, “it’s your college” they said to her. I shared that each of my parents agreed to pay $5,000 a year for mine. Anyone who familiar with or goes to UVM knows that even in-state tuition is a lot, $10,000 contribution from parents doesn’t begin to cover it. There was a long silence. 

She opened up and told me her and her mother did not get along so much to the point her parents paid rent for her to live in another state. From what I could tell she had the opposite of a good girl complex. She drank and did drugs, and loved talking about it. This was interesting for me. Both of our behaviors were extremely different but came from the same place of feeling rejected by the people who are supposed to love us the most. I tried to meet her with an open mind, but I’m sure she felt judged. She was definitely judging me. She made fun of me behind my back with the other suite mates for being naive and scared of sex, among other things I’m sure.

The class of 2013 to the University of Vermont was the largest class ever to enroll in the university. So many people were rooming in triples. I got so many comments about people thinking I should live at home because I was from town, to make room for them because they are in a triple. I felt really guilty about this. I had no good comeback other than saying I wanted to experience living in the dorms too. Sometimes this was acceptable for people and sometimes it wasn’t. I hated not feeling wanted or validated. People were judging me. People thought I was being immature and frivolous. I lived in a suite with flatmates, who all became fast friends, and I was the odd one out. I had no idea how to bond with these people. Everything I said seemed like it came from outer space and was something someone’s mother would say. I would try to be relaxed and hangout, then make an awkward comment that would reveal how sheltered and inexperienced I was. They'd all look at each other and laughed. I would have a small panic attack on my insides. Cycle repeat, everyday!

In the beginning the suite mates would invite me out with them. Eventually, once it was clear to them that I was on another planet in terms of social skills and life experiences, that niceness waned. Eventually I became the butt of their jokes, and then the scapegoat for anything going wrong. Everything I said to my roommate Elle in front of the group or one on one was met with hostility. She had made up her mind about me, so that’s what the group thought too. It was now my job to navigate being around her by causing the least amount of conflict possible.

Once, she had sex not in the bathroom next to our room but the further one so she wouldn’t wake me up. I heard about this from Caroline, who told me in front of Nicole and Alyssa. I asked if anyone cleaned  the shower, and they looked at each other and laughed like I was being immature. Katherine, the virgin, thinks shower sex is gross. I immediately felt so embarrassed and wanted to curl in my shell. Caroline jokingly said that’s the nicest thing Elle has ever done for me. I thought that was funny, and true. Caroline also said that she cleaned the shower after she found out about that a few months later when we were alone together in the living room. I asked her why everyone laughed at me like I was being immature at the time I asked that. She looked like she had no idea what I was talking about, and said “I did? I’m sorry”. At the end of the year she apologized that Elle was so mean to me. Caroline also shared that eventually Alyssa stopped coming to our suite to hang out because Elle was so mean. I didn’t know what to say. I did feel a wave of validation. The problem here wasn’t just me.

They were an interesting group to watch. I learned a lot from them. Nicole was constantly picking up after Elle. Elle really was messy.  Caroline asked her who she was cleaning up after one day and Nicole said “Who do you think?!” Another time, Nicole was cleaning the common area and Elle found her, and started cleaning with her. Elle then addressed the group that she and Nicole are the only ones who clean up around here. Nobody said anything. At the time I thought Nicole was ‘two-faced’, but now I look back and realize that she was afraid of Elle, too.

There was one boy in the suite. When my cousin came to visit she asked “are you the boyfriend?”. He said “No, I live here”, not quite sure what to make of this interaction. My cousin's eyes got wide and she let out a “What?!” She could not believe a boy lived in the same suite as girls do. After this involuntary exclamation I could tell she immediately felt embarrassed for being so shocked. I could have told her I have those experiences every day here, but instead I pretended I was worldly, pleased that I was able to fit in at least a little bit more with these people. I was satisfied I wasn’t the most naive or sheltered person for once. Andrew was chill, removed. He was the only other roommate from Vermont in the suite. He was able to keep everyone away at arm's length, while still being well liked. I wanted this for myself and I wondered how he did it.

From the start with Elle she wanted to categorize me as cool or a freak she had power over. She applied to live in this place called “Slade” where people tried to live more in accordance with the environment and sustainably. She left halfway through the year and I had a single for the rest of the year.

My classes and schoolwork were the only place I was doing well. I did the best in college I ever did my first semester. I poured all my energy into studying and writing papers. I think I was so afraid of failing and thought it was a mistake they let me in, I clearly didn’t belong. Socially I was struggling, all of my anxiousness in high school that I had didn’t go away. I thought college was supposed to be a magical place. This wasn’t easy, and I spent most of my free time watching free Hulu and reading. All of this was too much. I was not thriving here, I was just keeping my head above water in the most awkward dog paddle you can imagine. I was so nervous all the time I wasn't eating, lost about 30 pounds that year.

One other surprise about college life I had was the normalcy of never being in your living space. The idea being you were too popular or busy to ever be in your living space. Jenn talked about this a lot; the fact that her roommate was socially awkward and always there, whereas she had people to see and a life. Lucy hated that I was always around. I started playing rugby the second semester so I was out more and I heard her say “how come when I leave she is never here?” to our suite mates when I was leaving the room. Clearly I offended her in some way. I tried really hard to be a nice person to her.

I had a work study job in the mail room I enjoyed. It was quiet and only two people worked at a time. I made deep connections with my co-workers while I worked there. I never let on how much I was struggling, but we talked about how we wanted to show up as humans in the world. I felt a connection with this girl named Dannika, and she hinted a couple times about wanting to room together next year. I had so much anxiety about not being 100% sure that’s where she was going, and also about my past roommate experience blowing up in my face. I brushed her off and said “I just want a random roommate next year”.

As much as I loved the mail room job I would never admit it. I wanted a job like Jenn had, a job that looked for qualities of extroversion and "leadership". The summer camp jobs Jenn had would “help me grow as a person”, lead to building friendships and memories, and looked cool on the outside. Believe it or not working in the mail room didn’t give the cool-kid vibes of a college student people liked. I wanted to be a fun extrovert  who moved through the world with ease so badly. Since being Jenn’s friend I would hear all about her experiences at camp; how going to camp was foundational for her developed sense of self and personality. I wanted that so bad. I applied and was offered a job at a nearby summer camp. 

I went into the random roommate lottery for next year's Sophomores and... my roommate was Jenn’s best friend from camp growing up!!  Megan was her name.

My mother helped me move in and out of my dorm my freshman year. My grandmother later told me my mom said she was frustrated my father wasn’t there to help, that she was the one doing all the work. I thought that was valid. A part of me was sad she wasn’t sad about me growing up and leaving the house. When she was moving me out at the end of the year we unexpectedly drove by my father helping students move. My Aunt owns a construction company that he worked for. My Aunt is a very forward thinker, and is active in the Burlington greater community. It was my understanding that my dad was there volunteering through the company getting community service hours, something companies do to get tax breaks. It hurt to see him lifting heavy things and helping the other students. He didn’t even reach out to me to ask if I wanted any help. “Oh my god it’s been so long since I’ve seen him” my mother exclaimed. I supported her and validated her feelings, she didn’t ask me about mine. My father didn’t see us drive by.